Arabella Carmona

School: Shawlands Academy, Glasgow
 

Broken

 

There's another gut-wrenching throb in my stomach. Blood is trickling down my cheek like raindrops on a window. My body feels like a war zone of constant ache. The bruises are still there from last time. Tattooed reminders of who I am, soon to fade as the new take over.

They laugh their sadistic war cry of victory as they give me one final stomp on my chest. I feel shattered and broken while my worthless shards are staining the grass. It was as if they were the painters and I was their canvas. They painted me with their rotten disgust and anguish. They tear me into a toy to satisfy their needs and hatred until I eventually burn out. Their footsteps fade into distant chatter and laughs.

The grainy dirt meets my cut-filled palm as I propel myself up onto my shoeless feet. My socks sink into the soft dirt beneath me almost like quicksand. My legs wobble, struggling to keep me upright as if they were made entirely out of jelly. I am stained in a sticky blood red from head to toe, making my pale ghostly skin stand out even more. No one dares to look…because they're scared too.

Even the sun doesn't dare to shine and the sky is bleak and grey like factory smoke. The once luscious green leaves have vanished from the trees and all that is left is naked, moss-covered towers of bark. The rich dark wood melts with the sky as they complement each other in a gloomy, miserable way. One might say it was perfectly fitting for the occasion, sad little freak gets beaten up again by jerks as the dull clouds hover over the usual catastrophe and the twisted trees frame their monstrous silhouettes. The grass gets painted with fresh new blood and the flowers have disappeared, gone to bloom once again some other day when there will be no freak anymore.

Strangely, everything is numb once more and the pain has become a casual norm. The only proof there is that I am aching are the scars scribbled on my arms and the bruises plotted everywhere on my skin.

Carefully sneaking the sharpest knife to the bathroom like a devious thief, every day was simply regular. However, it was still oddly surreal to watch my own scarlet blood drizzle with ease from the freshly opened wound to the cold glistening tile. I would often be captivated by the shining blade in which I engraved the guilt into my skin, wondering what ifs and if onlys.

Sleep was like an addictive drug, I’d crave the sweet release from reality’s awful clench, but I never could escape. I would be lying there staring into the dark abyss, listening to the mumbles of the street, envisioning a time where I would smile with the sun and there was still light. But the candles burned out and I am now trapped. The darkness consumes me and I am a void of emptiness.

Even the most mundane tasks become a struggle. Everything became a lifeless bore, there was no point of existing anymore. My bed was my coffin that I was bound to, but I didn't ever want to break free. I was awaiting the suffocating dirt to conceal the worthless flesh doll that was me. Eating was too much effort for a pretty boy like me, but soon my bones were ripping out of my skin and the lion-like roars of my stomach couldn't handle it any longer.

To live wasn't a need, it was a prison of agony and I wanted to be free. I wanted to soar with the beautiful ocean-coloured sky and to fly with the majestic birds. I wanted to feel the harsh wind prickle my skin and I wanted to grin once more. I hoped the horrible guilt rotting in my stomach would magically disappear and my corrupted mind would finally give me rest. I wished and wished, but every hope and dream I once had was now lost in an endless forest of failed ambitions. I was simply walking through a dark labyrinth of dead ends and missing smiles.

The constant static was always there, buzzing on repeat like a whiny alarm clock. Sometimes it spoke to me, but it was always something horrible. It would remind me of my worthlessness and stupidity. It would laugh at my pathetic attempts at living. It was always trying to drag me down deeper into the black void until I gave up. It stomped forcefully onto me and I finally broke with ease, just like shining glass. My shards filled the sky with brief light, illuminating through the hollow dark until they came crashing down with the speed of light piercing deep into me.

I was shattered, I was broken and I was on the very edge. My toes were in the air and my heel was balancing like a circus performer on a single strip of cold steel. The moonlight shone upon me like a spotlight coating me in glittering arms. The stars sang a bittersweet tune as I was preparing for the final act. The curtains were ready to be drawn and the stage was already set. Holding my arms out gently to my sides, I stared at the shining pit of water underneath my toes. The moonlight-coated waves were as calm as a lullaby as the water awaited the finale. The rapid honk of the passing cars joined in the melody and by then I knew that my cue was here.

I leaped gracefully like a beautiful swan from the noise-filled bridge to the cold bitter air, letting my heavy chains fly away with my troubles and past burdens to the night sky; my messy locks of hair twirling and my body descending into the pool beneath. The taste of sweet freedom and long-awaited peace was finally on my tongue as I soared through the sky, I let the wind carry me home. 

 

 

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